Conclusions of a Dollar Store Employee

Where to begin? Where to end? The questions never cease. Is this a dollar? Do you have this in polka dot? Alas, my kid needs a leash.

Remember that time you got earrings up your nose? Boy, that was insane. Where squeaking sharks and shrunken peanuts are thrown, watch your head – it might rain.

The notorious Murphy, who deserves more than words can say. Plitter, platter, gulp, smash, beeeeep! Don’t mess with him, it’s a conspiracy – as if the whole store listens for his command.

Poor Charlie. He always did try to stand strong, noble. That is, until the day Murphy decided to teach him how to eat dollar bills.

Balloons! Balloons everywhere. Pop! Swish! Eeeeek! Shall I take them off the wall? NO! No, actually, just give me the numbers. If your wife isn’t turning 40, try another. The stickiness solidifies over time.

And then, there are the random Giant guys – and some who actually work at CVS, Subway, FedEx. Hairspray bowling, roundhouse kick off the wall. Would you get me a sandwich? Is that my drink? Just put it on my tab.

I do love a truck. The scent of cardboard, structures everywhere. Sometimes an avalanche – but typically, that’s just the streamers. Ooo, something new! A shovel labelled rake, some scented toilet paper holders, or my favorite – tire foam aka baby oil.

Oh no! It’s a rampage! Duck! Flying scissors. Run! She’s after you now. Hide! Oh, you didn’t. Not again. Josh…

Should we discuss Christmas? Perhaps. It defines craziness. Tape, wrapping paper, bags, everything everywhere. But enough of that.

Ahh, customers. The VICs, VIPs, VAPs. Customers, people, and annoying. I should mention anal-retentive’s eye – but I won’t. Or balloon perfection freak – but I won’t. Even the van lady – but I won’t. No, all these pale when compared to the one who shocked his girlfriend and the world at once: I’m leaving you. People want me.

I must sign off, and leave the world of Dollar Alley. All the craziness, insanity. It all just fits into its own reality. Someday, I will return. But for now, all I have left to say is:

Thank you … for telling me …

Josh Collins is Cool (or so he thinks)

So how has your week been? I was lucky enough that my manager forgot about April Fools Day, but today is my birthday, so we’ll see how that goes.

On Monday when I went into work, I had a horrible case of the hiccups. I was amazed at the solutions offered:

• swallow a teaspoon of pure sugar. (sour gummy works seemed to offer a temporary solution)
• Dr Pepper makes you hyper!! (no I didn’t really understand it either…)
• And when all else failed, Josh decided to hit me in the back with a roll of wrapping paper – which only resulted in me glaring at him.

We hired a new girl, who I think is pretty cool. Anyway, she came in for something or other, and she explained how she really had to use the bathroom because their bathroom got hit by lightning, so it’s not usable anymore. She offered to pay me a dollar to let me use our bathroom. I looked at her and said, “You’re an employee. You can use the employees only bathroom.”

Random Saying of the Day
 I like this mirror. It makes my face look big.

PS I’ll be taking a break from updating for a few weeks as I am taking a break from work. I’ll be updating again soon!